What's up

I don't think I'm suitable for this job. Not so much job-scope wise but more of like everything else that comes with it.

I put others before self. This is not to say that I'm not selfish, I am, just in other ways.

I hold back and let myself be a pushover.

I willingly and stupidly take the blame for others.

I apologize far too much.

I'm extremely nice to everyone hoping others will do the same.

I naively believe that everyone is a friend only to get blindsided so many damn bloody times.

I'm afraid of seniors and juniors bully me.

I care too much.

I get emotionally affected everytime something goes wrong and it brings me down.

I still let history repeat itself over and over and over again.

Why am I still 'here'? Because even after everything I found a few humans just like me. And it makes everything so much more bearable. They are not colleagues, they are friends that I'll keep for a long long time. Besides, I really do love my job so yeah. I chose my poison. 

Just one of those troubled nights

I can't sleep, can't think straight and is this close to losing my shit.

Work

Some days I get the "you are just a disappointment, you do not know your work, why are you so stupid, ugh you are so slow, you need to be sent back to training"

Other days I get the "why are you so hardworking, you are one of the best I have ever worked with, keep it up Sarah, I hope to fly with you again, you are an asset to this company".

Same job, same me, different set of crew. I now know why people don't quit jobs, people quit bosses.