Trust

Trust comes in two ways I guess.

Some trust ever easily, without holding back. You could say I started out this way but over the years I find it terribly hard to trust someone, anyone. Even myself.

So now I belong to the latter group, where trust needs to be earned. Through words, actions, keeping promises, walking the talk et cetera.

I know it isn't fair to condemn somebody before s/he is found guilty but the paranoid me just am cynical to everything and everyone. But I do give credit when it is due okay.

Anyone here agrees with me that a lie is still a lie albeit however minuscule or insignificant it is? White lie or not, for my own good or not. I just can't seem to wrap my head around it.

I mean I'm not a saint. If someday I ever lie about something, I want to be forgiven so long I'm sincerely apologetic about it. So why am I being so hard on the other party and myself?

I'm a classic skeptical bitch. Forgiveness is one thing. To rebuild trust is another. I'm not angry. But how am I supposed to believe in anything you say now, there are no grounds to back you up. I'm just second guessing everything and it feels toxic.

Old school girl

I know I haven't blogged for a long time, thank you for being patient. So it's been almost 2 years since I've started blogging and my humble platform has been viewed some 87,000 times. (But aiyah most likely credit goes to my 10 friends or so only la HAHA. Confirm they refresh like siao thats why LOL.) Just kidding, I know a few posts went viral. Mainly the one about my break up, 21st birthday, and online war with a girl from the past. Honestly now that I've looked back, I probably wouldn't have posted some things. Maybe I grew up, I don't know.

School is about to start in a few hours and I guess there goes my holidays. Oh well so much has happened and I haven't uploaded my life on my blog as much as I used to. Defo emotional now thats why the heading "old school girl". I contemplated to just let this page die off. I don't know. I remember having a long conversation with my mum not too long ago and it went a little like this:

Empress Dowager: You kinda grew up
Me: I know right
Empress Dowager: No like seriously, I'm glad you finally realised that even though your generation is all about putting everything out there, you've started to filter quite a bit.
Me: I know right
Empress Dowager: Somethings don't need tell the whole world. Last time so readily provide information about yourself then you feel like you need to answer to people, most of them don't care about whether you're truly happy or not, they just want something to talk about and you stupidly made it so accessible.
Me: I know right

Basically I said a million things for her response to be with such enthusiasm. I hate to admit it but as annoying as my mother can be most of the time, I can't do without her. She's the most amazing femme fatale to this date. Love her so much, much more than myself. Even when she disagrees with me or our generation, she's always my number one fan (and stalker hahaha she has snapchat with only me as a friend leh). Hi mumsie, I know you'll be reading this. 爱你1314.

Back to the main point, so maybe I wouldn't post about my life that much anymore but at the same time I won't stop blogging. I'll still do what I do best, type a lot of stuff and people will still read (I hope, well if all else fails I know there's Heidy, hello stop refreshing yes I've blogged hahaha). Even till this date, I blog for one reason and one reason only, which is so that when I grow old, I can look back at how much I've grown since the legal age of 21.

I've kept some parts of my life private, and love life even more so. Sarah back to main point, old school girl. Old fashioned love is unbelievably my thing. At least I found that out after 22 going 23 years. I love gestures of cliche flowers and chocolates, I love long walks with the man I absolutely adore, I love love-letters, and I love doing absolutely nothing so long it's with my better half y'know. I don't know when I'll ever meet mr right but that doesn't scare me. Break ups don't scare me that much anymore. What scares me is time. And I don't have control of that. No one does. And because we never know what will happen in the future, it makes me cherish every single moment at present more than anything.

This year, my so called resolution is to hold those dear to me, closer to my heart. Not to worry about the future or even more so what insignificant people think about me. My happiness is to be shared within me and my loved ones. And it will be kept that way. Some day you guys who support me shall share my joy. But till then may everyone find happiness within themselves first.

Most of you guys know 2015 was a terrible year for me. Simply put, there were a lot of deaths and sufferings by those I love and what they went through affected me greatly. It all still feels like yesterday but while we mourn the ones who are gone, we celebrate those who are still here.

I fell really sick at the start of 2016, currently still in the midst of recovery. Food poisoning or stomach flu I'm not too sure but symptoms are fever, diarrhoea, vomiting and on top of that, flu and cough. But I've been happy. Really truly happy. Pathetically sickeningly happy. Hahaha.

And I wouldn't hope for things to stay the same because for one, I know it wouldn't. But mostly, hope is for the weak. 'Hope' crushes one soul and I'm not giving 'hope' the power to do so. To hope that things may get better, I might as well make things better. I have faith (no, not my middle name), and I know my faith will waver or be shaken. But so long I've got my family and friends, all healthy alive and kicking, I'm good.

That's it for now, I aim to use social media less and have more physical time for those I care about. Back to being an old school girl, or at least I'm working towards that. How bleak. LOL. With lots and lots of love, Sarah Yong.