Which is actually extremely pathetic don't you think? I admit I dwell in self pity when it comes to this.
It's not that I don't cherish what I have, it's not that I want to be someone else, it's just that I feel like I deserve so much more simply because I'm willing to give a whole lot more.
Basically I'm living in a cloud above my head. I know it's stupid to expect life to be fair, (and I did read this from somewhere) 'it's like hoping a lion doesn't eat you just because you don't eat it first'.
Then again, I feel like I'm not good enough ALL THE TIME. So yes, okay? Yes I understand why I deserve all this bullshit. I'm not good enough that's why.
Maybe it's some defense mechanism in me that's kicking in. I feel like I have to give more, in turn hoping to receive more, and finally to make myself believe that I'm actually worth it.
Because of my insecurities, I cause the people around me, (how do I put it) unnecessary headache and heartache?
My boyfriend gets the brunt of well, me. Like when a pretty girl walks past, (and I guess it's normal for guys to look) I'd throw a mini bitch fit at him for looking. Fuck it, yeah she's pretty and she's everything I'm not. I feel like going 'so what' but I've got nothing to prove, and nothing to stand for. *So I'll just fade into darkness.. fade into darkness..*
My mummy gets the brunt of me the most. I feel so bad and bloody guilty because it hurts her to hear me say the things I say, see me do the things and do, but I still say and do it anyway. And just because I know that she'll always be there, (yes I'm ashamed of it) I'd throw tantrums and act all 5 years old-ish in front of her. But mummy, if you're reading this, I know you're the best and if only my husband is like 10% the person you are for me, I'd be the luckiest wife on earth. I love you to the moon and back and moon and back and forever and ever till eternity.
I'm not beautiful, I'm not cute, I'm not drop dead gorgeous, I'm not funny, I'm not hot, I'm not lovable, I'm not pretty, I'm not rich, I'm not sexy, I'm not smart, and I'm definitely not young (anymore). *sigh* I'm nice okay. I'm just a nice girl. But hell yeah I'm taken aback and flattered that there are a lot of people who wants to be me, wishes to hang out with me, and especially those who love me for who I am.
And with that, my new year resolution (better late than never) is, to love myself. That's it. 3 simple words - to love myself. Also, I want to feel confident and worthy. That good things happen to me because I deserve them truly.
That I'm good enough.
No comments:
Post a Comment