I Am Trying Really Hard

Note: This post is how I am trying to get over my ex, I as in me myself and I. It is not how TO get over an ex. You may disagree with how I did it, call me dramatic, foolish, pathetic, silly or whatever.

But if you have ever had your heart broken, you would know that when it comes to the matters of the heart, one can only hope, pray and wish for the best.

Indeed time heals all wounds, but even wounds leave scars my friend. So pardon me if this post sounds depressing because the last time I checked I was still heartbroken, not suffering from brain damage.

Do try to read each and every word before jumping into conclusions, be warned that it is a pretty long post.

This post is not about airing our dirty linen in public. So if you want to know why we broke up, I am sorry but I repeat, this is not about making him look like the bad guy. A lot of dark secrets would be dug out and that would be wrong of me to do so.

We have been together for more than a year now, but yesterday would have been official.

1. I Grieved.

There is no denial stage or whatever, I just jumped right into grieving. If you are going through a break up now, grieve. Let it all out, cry till your eyes are bloody swollen, cry yourself to sleep, cry till your lips crack and mouth runs dry, cry till your ribs ache. Because what I did which I found out afterwards, couldn't be anymore wrong. I thought I could fight it. Fight the anger, fight the loss, fight the pain and lastly fight the tears.

We broke up about a month before my finals. I hung tough, undefeated for a good 3 weeks which I actually pride myself for. But girls, you know how we are. We have the tendency to drift in and out.

One moment we will feel that our world is crashing down on us, another moment we are on our high horses going bleh it is his loss. One moment we will feel fucking hurt and sore about having to be put through this bullshit, another moment we want to show them how great our life will be without them. One moment we will be in distraught suffering a mental break down, another moment we are out with our girlfriends getting high and drunk. You get my point.

But I swear to god, when it hit me, it hit me real bad. Just 1 more week to finals and I was a complete utter disaster. My notes had wet patches, I wasn't in a right frame of mind. I was not allowed to grieve because I had no time. I would talk to my friends and my tops would be damp. It was a fucking emotional turmoil. My finals dragged on for another 3 weeks and this entire month drained me. Thank god for my family and friends, thank god for you all. Thank god.

So, grieve. Do understand that this is inevitable, but I promise you after the grieving stage is where you will start to see light, a glimmer of hope. Jocelyn always remind me to take baby steps, and that nobody is rushing me. She is right because no matter how slow you are moving, it beats self-pitying anytime. Laura said 'It gets easier y'know, especially if you found a reason to leave.' I am sticking to it.

2. I Refrained From (His) Social Media

Oh this is the tricky part. Actually literally anything that reminded me of him. I deleted our pictures on Facebook, I took down our photos from every corner of my house. If you have been to my place, you will know that our photographs are everywhere. I am not kidding, everywhere. I cried while taking them down. I remember when each and every picture was taken.

I know he reads my Twitter. Slowly but surely I started posting lesser and lesser things. I needed to let go. Even till today, I still struggle with this because the things people post are just too fucking apt. So what did I do? As stated in my previous post, 'I killed twitter.' Yeah I have stopped using twitter. It is hard, but I got to do what I got to do. If you are wondering why our pictures are still on Instagram, hang on a second keep reading..

3. I Did Something Crazy. Something Few Agreed With. I Attempted to Re-Write Memories.

Yes. Overlap memories. It means doing whatever YK and I have done, places that Yk and I have been, again. Just that this time, I am standing solo.

This is madness and I would not recommend anybody to do the same, it is equivalent to pouring salt on wound. But then again who is to say what after my break up. Really, it could only be both extremes. You either go Taylor Swiftish or Miley Cyrusish. I was a mixture of both and a tinge of suicidish. Not killing myself physically-suicidal but THIS is pretty much emotionally-suicidal. (If you read my previous post, shit went wrong when I had suicidal thoughts..)

16th May, Friday, Supposedly Our One Year Anniversary

I looked through our pictures on Instagram and I realised I could never finish all in a day. I have never done sooo many things with anyone in my life (excluding my mummy duh). For example, we had staycations and I am not rich enough to book the same hotels just to sleep alone for one night. Lol.

Just this year alone, (I started blogging since 2nd Jan, 2014) countless of posts were about and with him. Happy scrolling and reading if you want to. From the surprise romantic dinner I planned for him, to saturdates, to CNY, to my 21st birthday partiesss, to his 21st birthday oh my god. Of course I wish to still do things with him, like catch the upcoming movie The Fault In Our Stars etc. But I know it is impossible okay? I know I know. 

Everywhere reminds me of him, it was insane. I decided on these few places, when we were actually happy together sometime last year.

Ready to go around Singapore on my own! I swear I was being judged like crazy taking selfies in public, alone. HAHA

i. Ice Skating @ Jcube

Our first secret underground date. Haha and now it is just me:

I am getting better at this haha I should be a figure skater!

ii. His First Book Out

For 16 weeks of his BMT, I sent him back to Pasir Ris every Sunday no less than 10 times and take the train back home to CCK myself. I was happy and willing. 1.5hrs journey home meant I had extra 0.5 hour bus ride with him from Yishun to Pasir Ris. It was worth it. Given today's circumstances, I would still have done the same.

And now it is just me:

Army boys would know which part of Pasir Ris Interchange I am standing at.

I am not going to lie, I feel extremely sore about dating army boys now. Okay let me explain myself before some readers start getting defensive.

Every Singaporean son only need to serve once, I have served twice. Yes, both relationships are longer than a year each. I am not going to drag down my previous ex, we are still friends and he will forever have a special place in my heart.

But what I cannot understand is how things change so drastically. (兵变?) How desperate they needed you for you were their anchor during the toughest period of their life - the initial weeks in BMT. You were all they had left, so they cling onto you for emotional support. Which is fine because of love and all, I wanted to be there for them. I was there when they were both botaks, I adjusted my schedules to fit theirs and placed them before myself. Then they had more and more book outs during unit placing (YK even better everyday book out). Suddenly I felt even more alone than when they were in confinement. It was as if I am, unwanted. All those broken promises.. Countless.

Now both of them are enjoying their life (E is studying overseas), both are looking good and here I am left all alone, feeling unappreciated and taken forgranted. I do not know how to explain myself because this will end up linking to why YK and I broke up which is not for me to say here (maybe one day, just not today) so just take it as long story uh this one. But it is bloody frustrating because I have friends that treat their boyfriends like shit and their boyfriends still places them on the pedestal. I treat my boyfriends like god and instead I am being treated like crap. Maybe it is just me, maybe I am not good enough, maybe I just need to find one who is worthy of my love. Or maybe, boys are just weird creatures. I need a man, not a boy.

Of course there are exceptional ones, my girlfriend's army boyfriend really up there, I clap for him really. I hope I will receive their wedding invite though. Their love gives me hope :')

iii. Surprise Picnic @ Marina Barrage

It was raining so I was not able to take a photo, this needs to be UPDATED..

iv. 100 Days Surprise @ Clarke Quay SOHO 1

Is it a sign? We are moving out of the apartment in about 2 weeks time. Everything shall stay, together with the memories..

And now it is just me:

I am not going to lie, this is an old picture. I do not have anyone to help take a newer photo for me.

v. POP LO @ Floating Platform, His 1 Week Block Leave To BKK

Of course I would not just buy air tickets for this post, so airport shot with just me it shall be then:

I did not cheat! I really went to T2 departure hall okay..

OMG. Apparently you can go straight to T2 from the Mrt station? Why did I have to take te sky train? WTS. I'm a tourist in my own country. Hahaha

I got a customer service personnel who has a chronic bitch face to take a photo for me.

vi. Last Christmas (pun intended)

And now it is just.. WELL CHRISTMAS IS NOT HERE YET. HOW TO TAKE A PHOTO TO RE WRITE MEMORIES? HAHA.

Nigel said that YK and I look compatible.. Ohwell, everything went downhill from the start of 2014.

4. While I Am Still Getting Over Him, I Started A New Relationship.

Breathe. No, I do not do rebounds because that is just downright heartless to both, yourself and the new guy.

I started a new relationship with myself.

Yes. You read that right. If there is 1 thing I learnt from this failed relationship is that I have been neglecting self love. Earlier on, I said that I have been placing my boyfriend's needs before myself in everything that I do. I forgot what it feels like to live my life for me, myself and I. I have been feeling lousy for a long long time, that I am not good enough for me to even love myself. I am not the invincible bitch face superwoman Sarah that everyone thinks I am or associates me with. I crumble like pastries too. I lost all confidence and now I am walking away with my last bit of dignity left. I am picking up my own pieces and someday, I will be stronger than who I was yesterday. (I am actually starting something life changing and I cannot wait to share with you all 3 months later!)

I am blessed in my own ways. My mummy drilled this in my head since young 'If you can't even love yourself, how do you expect anyone to love you.' Guess what, even when I was unlovable, I still have ___ waiting to love me when I am ready to love again. (No, I am not trying to be coy but I really cannot put their initials up okay.) I am a lucky girl I know, I do know that both of you are reading this too. I am sorry but I am not and would not be ready, for a long time to come. Thank you nonetheless, I really truly appreciate what you both have done for me.

(To my friends in a joking tone, fuck you all uh what 2 weeks or 2 months new boyfriend already. Hahaha just fuck you all only.)

Honestly, I am extremely skeptical about falling in love again. To expose myself and be vulnerable all over? No thank you. But I do hope that I would not push the right one away because I still sorta believe that there is someone out there for me. I think he is just stuck in a tree somewhere, poor soul. Hehe

5. Lastly, I Need To Get Over And Move On

I am not a perfect girlfriend, I do not expect myself to be one either. I made my fair share of mistakes too, trust me. Of course I am beyond torn that YK and I would not be able to mark more milestones together for the coming of years. I miss him, I still do. I love him, the old him at least. The him that I first fell in love with.

I admit. I was so hurt, I still am. I did think of revenge like ways to hurt or torture him when I was resentful but I know I must accept this and I wish him all the best. I always remind myself that Pain Is Inevitable, But Misery Is Choice.

I do lapse into all sorts of emotions at times, but recently I am just angry at myself for being stupid for too long. It is amazing how we allow ourselves to accept so much bullshit for such a long period of time. When I think about our good old days and I just feel so unjust, unfair. Ughhhhh. All the if only(s). Ohwell. I just want to be all good soon, pretty please?

Thank you for being patient and reading word for word if you have done so. Thank you :) To anyone else who is going through a rough patch in life, you will be okay and trust me, you will be where you need to be somehow. Just remember Sarah said this 'Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, sometimes in the middle of nowhere is where you will find yourself' <3

Rilakkuma was our thing. I bought a set of two onesies. My initial plan was for him to feel like he was hugging me when he hugs the Rilakkuma bolster at home. Oh well.. Hahaha still cute right. Well at least many said that it IS cute. (Blogger changed the colour of my photo! Why got green blue all so ugly..)

This is going to be the last post about YK, or this breakup. I just wanna be left alone to heal now. I do not know how he is going to feel about this, but this is MY blog.