27 too old. Should I claim to be 26 since this year is pretty much thrash? Should I change the title to 26 too old? Nah I may be in this headspace but I'm not in denial.
27 too old. Too old to be making stupid mistakes. Too old to know better. Too old to just keep running from life. Too old cause I'm hitting my thirties in three years time. The thing is. I don't feel old. But the whole age is just a number thing is utter bullshit. I mean, it is a number. I don't feel a day older than 23 but the truth is, these four years did pass me by. I made plenty of decisions this four years. I could have settled. Probably have a baby by now. I lost 2.5 girlfriends (0.5 cause she still kind). My choice. I stayed in the airline industry when I thought I would only stay for two. The thing is I can't pretend this four years didn't happen. I spent everyday, making decisions, my emotions and my feelings, all the ups and downs were real. It did happen. Age isn't just a number.
When I was a lot younger I thought people at 25 were young adults who were figuring their shit out. I looked at people who were 28 and thought they were adults who got it all. Adulting. What a word. At 19 I was like, omg so bittersweet blablabla my last year of being a teenager but fuck yes I would be taken seriously and I was two years to being 'legal'. At 19 I was responsible and smart. Probably a lot wiser than I am now at 27. You see growing up was different for me. I was forced to mature before the rest. I hated when people undermined me and brushed me off just cause I'm 19. I exceptionally hated the whole I ate more salt than you ate rice crap. I was clear headed. I'm not like those who looked back and was like omg how could I think I knew everything back then. The fucked up thing is I did know everything back then. I did. I had goals and aspirations and realistic plans and my life was going to be amazing. I'm not sore that my prime is over. I'm disappointed in who I've become.
27 too young. If by my screwed definition of 28 being an adult, technically I still have one more year to fuck up. You see at 22, one year after I turned 'legal' I THOUGHT I KNEW EVERYTHING. But I wasn't the same me when I was 19. Relationships after relationships. The problem is that I've never been single for more than two months. A part of me thinks it's too fast, I should heal before I commit. Another part of me thinks that I'm still young, what if this is the one then I would be wasting precious time. I'm still young, I should still try it out, like I'd never know right? Okay to be fair I never really brought emotional baggage from the previous relationship to the next. I knew whenever I deserved better and when I wanted out. Yeah I think I can safely say I left, walked out, or outgrew every single one of them.
27 too young. Too young to know I should've tried to worked things out instead of running. Too young to be restricted by society's standards. Too young to say, it is what it is. Too young to be so harsh and unforgiving of myself. Most importantly, too young to have to settle. Where should I begin. This year I reflected, thought about a lot of things mostly because I feel trapped like literally and figuratively.
I mean I literally have been stuck at home since March 16 minus four days, two of which I managed to get the fuck out before Circuit Breaker commenced and two days sometime last week that I actually had to report for work. LAONIANG DID NOT LEAVE HOME DURING QUARANTINE, I GOT INTO SO MUCH TROUBLE BECAUSE OF MY MAHJONG POST. Fuck cannot play alone for sanity sake ah. If I left home and somebody baotoh limbu suck thumb. LIMBU STAYED HOME THROUGHOUT MY QUARANTINE KENA CALL SAY 'SOMEBODY WHO CARES ABOUT SOCIETY' COMPLAINED THAT JIEJIE HERE LEFT HOME TO PLAY MAHJONG. Knn I stayed home hor. If I never stay home would I be this piece of wreckage?! Wah every bloody time I think about it, I fume. I still hope you step on Lego, trip and fall then Lego poke your eyes. You blind fuck. It's been two months and I'm not taking back my curse. Truth is I stayed home until I ki siao already. I think I know how many steps it takes to walk around my entire house. Don't know don't anyhow talk cock. Y'know defamation or slander not? Nnb. I really angry.
Okay yah so I've been trapped. Mentally and emotionally. I second guess myself a lot. Some days I would just wild away my time. Other days I would be really motivated and productive. Most of the days I would just question what the actual fuck do I want out of this life. Should I settle? Is this it? Is this all there is? At 27, can I choose to walk a path so different, unexpected or unprecedented? If I was the person I was at 19, would I respect the person I am now? Would I still have done what I've done if given a second chance? Would I have studied harder, partied lesser, chose my other halves with both eyes wide open or treasured certain friendships more? Do I regret anything?
I know some of you may think I'm silly to think all these at 27. I still have a life ahead of me, that I'm only 27. The thing is, I do hope so. I hope I'm wrong and you're right. That I'll live till I'm old and wrinkly. That when I look back, I'll laugh at myself today and see how life will be good to me in time to come. That I'll be everything I aspired to be at 19.
Hey it's Saturday, 7.30am now. I wish you're happier than you have ever been. I wish that you are who you ever wanted to be. I wish you nothing but the best. Take care and it's not goodbye for now. I'm just gonna rest my mind, rest my heart and rest my soul.
Sarah Yong, 27
